SOC 1: “You Can’t Kill Me, Look at all the Witnesses!”: An Unlikely Love Story

A (hopefully) ongoing series. 

Although I’ve totally disregarded this blog I have jotted down stories, ideas, prompts,etc. This story is from months ago; when I was still in the Ham. Instead of cleaning it up I’ve decided that this will be the first installment of my Stream-of-Conciousness entries. I don’t doubt that there are grammatical errors, but the objective is to just put my stuff out there as a way to see how my thought process works and, hopefully, evolves. So, without further delay SOC 1

“You Can’t Kill Me, Look at all the Witnesses!” An Unlikely (True) Love Story

Setting: Birmingham, AL 

I’m sixty percent positive that this story occurred sometime in October – November of last year. Why? Because I was studying for my comps. Okay, back to the outdoor B&N patio. As I sat down I noticed a guy sitting at the next table over. Not one for quiet, private conversations he was jabbering with an unknown person on the other side of the all important phone. A few minutes of awkward conversation later, he abruptly excused himself, hung up, and gazed up. I followed his gaze and looked to my left; ever the (non creepy) people watcher. Entrance cue: a somewhat overdressed young lady, with blonde hair (not making any generalizations here, mind you), a bowling ball bag purse, sunnies, and a phone riveted to her hand. 

“Oh! Look at all the people here! You can’t kill me!” were the first words that excitedly, and loudly, came out of her mouth as she  walked towards (clearly) psychopath man. Obviously, this isn’t exactly the normal greeting; even in the genteel and civilized South. “Strange,” I thought until she mentioned something about showing up late. The relationship between them was fuzzy, undefined, and intriguing. It turns out that I was eavesdropping on an initial blind-date (ish) meet-up. A very awkward, not in the “aww you’re cute so I’m flabbergasted and nervous” way but in the “run, dude, run” way. 

Okay, so maybe by now you’ve figured out that this isn’t a typical love story. In fact, the odds are high that this isn’t a love story at all. Shall we continue? 

The entire date/coffee meet-up was way awkward. First of all there was no coffee. In a span of a few minutes the guy–and the entire patio–learned that Bowling Bag chick was undergoing a round of chemo, was wearing a wig, and was late because she had been yakking on the phone with her friend. Poor guy just sat there and listened to her barrage of nonsensical information. After a while BBC started fishing for compliments. The poor guy just didn’t. get . the. hint and, thankfully, she eventually gave up.

Another awkward moment was when she asked the guy to, please, take off his sunglasses. Like a gentleman (with no regard for his eyes–the sun, man!) he acquiesced to her request. However, when he asked her to do the same she refused. Now, perhaps a cancer patient can’t subject her sensitive little peepers to the sun, but, then again she was outside on the patio, in a shoulder-baring sundress. Either way, it was a bit rude and certainly uncomfortably awkward for all involved (including the innocent bystander, me). 

I gotta say, though, the most awkward part of this meet-up was the fact that she kept repeating the following two statements:

  • “You can’t kill me because there are a lot of people around!” Variation: “You can’t abduct me, look at all the people that would witness it!”. 
  • “I was afraid you were a psychopath and would be all weird and stuff!” Note: she never actually rescinded the idea of him being a psycho.

Looking back at it, I’m pretty sure Bowling Ball Chemo Lady was the psycho. Now, I’m not a guy– although I do like to say that like them, I have commitment phobia, but that’s another story for another time, and for another audience (like my shrink)–but common sense tells me that at this point the guy should have run. Yep, you read that right. Should have. But, he didn’t. Said guy was either really smitten with psycho lady or, as my uncle said, “A poor, poor bastard whose emotions and wits fail to comprehend that now, is the time to run”. 

The relationship is going to go far, I can tell. However, dear reader, I had enough common man sense to pack my bag and get as far away from the train wreck in front of me. 


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